Counselors & Counseling Services in Arkansas | Refuge Counseling of Arkansas

4 Steps to Effective Discipline

Fri, 05 Jun 2026 08:56:46 -0700

In our culture, punishment and discipline are often used interchangeably. However, the purposes of punishment and discipline are very different. Check out the chart below. In short, punishment is discouraging, painful, and leaves a person feeling bad. Discipline opens a path to grow and move
forward, leading to encouragement.

When my kids do things that I need them to stop doing, I can handle the situation more approprietly if I check in with myself before moving forward with any action. If I am feeling
disrespected, angry, scared, or vengeful, chances are my reaction will not be
regulated or achieve my desired outcomes. When I am upset, I can tell that I am not in a good
head or heart space because my ears get hot and a surge of tense energy
courses through my veins. Can you relate?

When I respond to my kids in a reactive way, I model poor emotional regulation and
reactivity. Even if I feel better because I was able to release my own negative energy, what is the cost? My kids don’t feel loved or understood. They don’t respect me any more than they did before the emotional eruption. While they might fear me and the behavior might stop in the moment, I
just taught them that I am not a safe person for them to be with if they make
mistakes. So, wisely they get better at covering up their mistakes to avoid consequences,
and they are way less likely to come to me for support when they have a
problem. I am not suggesting that you let the situation go, but that you get strategic in your approach. So what can you do about it? Give this a try.

4-Step Alternative Approach

1. If you are feeling angry, let your child know. Then, take some time to regulate your emotions.

Parent: “I am not able to calmly deal with this issue right now. I need to take a few minutes to breathe and get myself calm before I address...Read More

Sometimes We Hurt Each Other:

Fri, 27 Feb 2026 15:07:11 -0800

Even among the most loving and secure relationships,sometimes we hurt our partners. I promise that I have hurt my wife plenty of times in our relationship, and she has hurt me. It is never intentional (usually), but it happens.
I always thought it would be cute and endearing to havelittle pet names for each other. Well, I went with “Sweetums.” I did not consider for even a moment that Sweetums is the name of a character from Jim Henson’s The Muppet Show. He is a big, hairy monster with large, pointy teeth.
I was truly in shock when I realized that my wife did not appreciate the pet
name I had so carefully crafted. The tips I am offering here are helpful for
the minor and major ruptures in relationships.
You have two options here. You can ignore the rupture andhope it goes away, or you can repair it. Ignoring seems like an easier option in the moment but gradually leads to disconnection in the relationship in the long run.
So how do I repair it?
First, ask yourself some important questions:
1. Am I able to recognize that my actions had a direct impact on my partner?
2. Am I able to recognize that the interaction between us had an impact on me too?
3. Am I ready to humbly acknowledge the pain of my partner and make amends?
Second, check in with your partner:
1. Humbly ask your partner about their experience. Let them know that the relationship is too
important for you to leave it unsettled. You need to understand the emotional impact felt by your partner.
“I felt belittled.” “I felt hurt.” “I felt unconsidered.”
2. ...Read More

Me, Myself, and We

Fri, 23 Jan 2026 12:07:40 -0800

How many times have you been in a “passionate discussion” with your partner and one of you says, “You are missing the point!” or "You know what, never mind! I can't even talk to you!"? Yikes, something is missing and we are missing each other.
The problem is that there are multiple “points” to be caught simultaneously. It’s no wonder your
partner is missing one or more of them…and you probably are too. Based on my experience as a couples' therapist, I see three “truths” in every discussion. If we do not consider all of these, we can't see the full picture.
The Details
These are the cold, hard facts of what actually happened leading up to the discussion. Who was responsible for setting up the babysitting? When was the movie supposed to start? What was said in that text? "I can list all of the things that I do to contribute to this family." I get it. Knowing these facts is a way of trying to orient ourselves to a frustrating situation. But, if we get stuck here, we will miss some other realities that may be even more important.
Perceived Messages
These are the assumption that you and your partner are making in the course of the argument. What do you think your partner believes about you and vice versa? If you are right, then what does that mean about you, your partner, or the relationship?
"Oh, I see, you think I don't do anything. Well, if I am so useless, maybe I should just go away for a while. See how you manage then!"
Woah! I call this one of the “truths” in the discussion, even if the messages you and your partner perceive from one another are inaccurate. It is still the“truth” as far as you see it in the moment.
The...Read More

What Kind of Sex Are You Having?

Tue, 15 Apr 2025 08:43:23 -0700

Sex plays a powerful role in our relationships. It can be playful, vulnerable, confusing, comforting, or even a little disappointing. But when we take a step back and really look at what kind of sex is happening in our relationships, we might begin to understand more about our emotional connection with our partner. Drawing from Dr. Sue Johnson’s work (Hold Me Tight), let’s break down the three kinds of sex and why they matter—especially in long-term relationships.
Sealed-Off Sex
This is sex that's all about the experience—not the connection. It's physical, often intense, and focused on the orgasm. There's nothing wrong with enjoying excitement or novelty, but when this becomes the norm in a committed relationship, it might signal something deeper—like difficulty with emotional intimacy. We're wired to connect, and regular physical contact can awaken the need for closeness. When that's missing, partners often feel isolated, even if the sex seems "technically"
satisfying.
And here's the thing: sex releases oxytocin (aka the "cuddle hormone"), which biologically pushes us toward bonding. That's why even casual sex can get emotionally messy—and why sealed-off sex in long-term relationships often leaves something essential out.
Solace Sex
This kind of sex is rooted in the need for comfort,reassurance, or emotional connection—but it can come with anxiety. One partner might seek out sex not for mutual pleasure but to feel approved of, loved, or accepted. The other partner may sense that pressure and feel disconnected or even obligated.
This...Read More

Top Reasons People Avoid Therapy and Why It Might Be Exactly What You Need

Mon, 17 Feb 2025 15:30:01 -0800

Thinking about therapy but feeling unsure? You’re not alone. Many people wrestle with the idea of starting therapy, often held back by common fears or misconceptions. Let’s explore some of the top reasons people avoid therapy and why giving it a chance could be one of the best decisions you make for yourself.
Common Reasons People Avoid Therapy
·"I don't do vulnerability. It feels like weakness."
Vulnerability can be uncomfortable, but it's not a sign ofweakness—it's a sign of courage. Therapy offers a safe space to explore your feelings without judgment.
·"I don't have time for feelings. I just have to keep moving."
Pushing feelings aside might seem easier in the short term, but therapy helps you process emotions so you can move forward with clarity and focus.
·"I've worked really hard to ignore my problems. Avoidance works well for me."
Avoidance might bring temporary relief, but unresolved issues can weigh you down over time. Therapy helps you face challenges head-on and find lasting relief.
·"I don't want to burden others with my stuff."
Your feelings matter, and therapy is a space designed just for you. You're never a burden when seeking help.
·"Therapy seems lame and hokey."
Therapy today is practical, grounded in science, and...Read More

The Impact of Past Trauma on Current Relationships: Understanding and Overcoming Trust Issues

Thu, 14 Nov 2024 08:54:32 -0800

When we are young, the world is bright, people are kind, and we wake up excited. We trust
the people in our lives who love us, our teachers at school, our family, and our friends because why wouldn’t we?
Then we grow up, and trusting people becomes something we have to think twice about. We’ve
been burned, lied to, manipulated, and used. We experience upsetting and confusing events that teach us that not everyone is trustworthy. This is especially traumatic when it involves those we should have been able to depend on the most.
Understanding the Connection Between Trauma and Trust
When we experience trauma, our brain can develop protective mechanisms to help us cope, but these same defenses can impact how we relate to others, especially in close relationships. Past trauma often shapes how we interpret safety and trust, making it difficult to feel secure. A simple comment, gesture, or scenario may unexpectedly trigger old wounds, leading to reactions prioritizing self-protection over connection. Realizing that these reactions stem from past experiences can be a helpful first step in breaking unhelpful patterns.
Recognizing Trauma-Related Trust Issues
Trust issues can stem from various types of trauma, including past emotional abuse from a traumatic relationship, abandonment, betrayal, or experiences of neglect. Trauma-related trust issues often surface in subtle but impactful ways, making it difficult to feel safe and open in close relationships.
Read More

Practical Tips to Strengthen Your Relationship in the New Year

Mon, 08 Jan 2024 09:43:53 -0800

In the new year, we often set goals or resolutions for ourselves, whether that be deciding
to eat healthier, finally getting that gym membership, working towards a new
career path, or saving up enough money to buy a home; we use the fresh start of
the new year to improve ourselves and our circumstances but what about our
relationships?
Our relationships with others, especially our partners, have a larger effect than
we realize on our overall well-being and our ability to achieve our goals. A
healthy, positive relationship with our loved ones puts us in a greater
position to succeed than an unhealthy relationship.
Here are a few practical tips to help you strengthen your relationship with your partner
in the new year!
Understanding Expectations
Defining Expectations
Clear communication is essential in any relationship. It's important to openly
discuss and define expectations to create a shared vision and avoid
misunderstandings.
Realistic Goals in Relationships
It is common for people to have high expectations, such as expecting their partner to always
meet their emotional or physical needs in particular ways. However, it is
important to remember that everyone is human, and perspective differences are
normal. Whether it's a small issue like deciding where to eat or bigger
disagreements on parenting or finance management, building a genuine connection
with someone involves understanding, supporting, getting vulnerable, and
working together to navigate through these differences.
Prioritizing Growth
The goal is to grow with your...Read More

How to Prioritize Your Mental Health During the Holiday Season

Mon, 27 Nov 2023 11:41:02 -0800

Ah, the holidays! It's that time of the year when the air is infused with the aroma of
sugar cookies and pine, the streets are adorned with twinkling lights, and
there's an unmistakable buzz of excitement all around. However, it's important
to be realistic and acknowledge that as much as it's a season for joy and
festivities, it can also feel like an emotional rollercoaster. For some people,
it's a time of togetherness and warm, fuzzy feelings, but for others, it can be
a painful reminder of what's missing, stirring up feelings far from merry and
bright. If you find yourself in the latter category, please know you're not
alone.
Taking care of your mental health during this season is not just important; it's essential!
Let's walk through some ways to keep your well-being front and center even as
the holidays whirl around you.
Acknowledge Your Feelings
First and foremost, acknowledge how you feel. It’s okay if you’re not brimming with
holiday cheer. The holidays can evoke a range of emotions, especially if you’re
dealing with loss or are away from loved ones. Allow yourself to feel whatever
comes up without judgment.
Set Realistic Expectations
Holidays don’t have to be perfect or just like last year. As families change and grow,
traditions often do as well. Choose a few to hold on to, and be open to
creating new ones. Remember, saying no to events or traditions that don’t bring
you joy or peace is okay.
Set Boundaries
Setting boundaries is crucial, especially when it comes to family interactions.
Limiting exposure to relationships or situations that feel toxic or draining is
healthy....Read More

The Truth About Anger

Tue, 20 Apr 2021 09:36:30 -0700

Today I am talking about something that is 100% human.
Anger comes from a lot of places. What we see as anger is usually a picture colored by deeper emotional distress. Anger is on a continuum and can range from being slightly irritated when that jerk cuts you off to experiencing pure rage when you are victimized by some sort of social injustice. Trauma experiences big or small can play a huge role in how we feel. These events color the perception we have of the world around us and ourselves. When we are not able to get what we want or need from others emotionally or physically, we feel the distress.
The Iceberg Metaphor:
Ninety percent of an iceberg exists below the surface. We know when people are angry because of what we see. We hear voices escalate in tone and energy. We notice certain non-verbal cues. People get standoffish and guarded or they fight to regain some sense of control. Why wouldn’t they? When we are hurt, it seems foolish to stand around and let ourselves get hurt again. At first glance, we might think, “Well, they are awfully negative.” It can be so easy to be critical of others and of ourselves when we don’t know or think about the full context. What we see on the surface is only the tip of the iceberg.
Let’s dive a little deeper:
This is where it gets hard. Many of us don’t want to think about our emotions much, especially the tough ones. It feels so much safer to put up emotional walls, bury our feelings, and allow numbness to take over. This makes so much sense! What logical, reasonable person wants to deal with strong, painful feelings? The problem is when we push that stuff down, it builds up. I think of it like filling a garbage can. I have always been on the ambitious side, thinking my waste bin can hold a little more. I smash the garbage down with my feet. I jump up and down, hoping I don’t fall out of the garbage can, just to fit...Read More

7 Highly Ineffective Ways to Parent

Sun, 28 Mar 2021 14:46:06 -0700

Bad Tip #1:
Make sure to point out every mistake that your child makes. After all, they have lived this long. They should have it all figured out by now. The last thing they need is positive feedback that might go to their head.
Bad Tip # 2:
Make sure to tell your child that their interests are pointless if they do not match your own. Honestly, if they don’t participate in what you want them to, then they will steal your opportunity to live vicariously through them.
Bad Tip # 3:
Scream and yell at your child for not performing well in extra-curriculars. After all, you are paying for them to be successful, and you don’t want your money to go to waste.
Bad Tip # 4:
Never spend one on one time with your kids. There are so many more valuable things to occupy your time.
Bad Tip # 5:
When you are playing Candy Crush and your kids are trying to get your attention, say “Will you leave me alone?!? Can’t you see that I am crushing candy here?” You know this is vitally important to your happiness.
Bad Tip # 6:
Find what interests your child the most and ban them from it. You don’t really need a reason because you are the boss.
Bad Tip # 7:
Take every opportunity possible to embarrass your child in front of their friends. They need a good dose of humiliation in their life. Combine this with #1 or #3 for maximum effectiveness.
I am just having a little fun here. In all seriousness, I strongly encourage you to do none of...Read More

Counselors & Counseling Services in Arkansas | Refuge Counseling of Arkansas

4 Steps to Effective Discipline

Sometimes We Hurt Each Other:

Me, Myself, and We

What Kind of Sex Are You Having?

Top Reasons People Avoid Therapy and Why It Might Be Exactly What You Need

The Impact of Past Trauma on Current Relationships: Understanding and Overcoming Trust Issues

Understanding the Connection Between Trauma and Trust

Recognizing Trauma-Related Trust Issues

Practical Tips to Strengthen Your Relationship in the New Year

Understanding Expectations

Defining Expectations

Clear communication is essential in any relationship. It's important to openlydiscuss and define expectations to create a shared vision and avoidmisunderstandings.

Realistic Goals in Relationships

Prioritizing Growth

How to Prioritize Your Mental Health During the Holiday Season

Acknowledge Your Feelings

Set Boundaries

The Truth About Anger

7 Highly Ineffective Ways to Parent

Bad Tip #1:

Bad Tip # 2:

Bad Tip # 3:

Bad Tip # 4:

Bad Tip # 5:

Bad Tip # 6:

Bad Tip # 7:

Clear communication is essential in any relationship. It's important to openly
discuss and define expectations to create a shared vision and avoid
misunderstandings.