How many times have you been in a “passionate discussion” with your partner and one of you says, “You are missing the point!” or "You know what, never mind! I can't even talk to you!"? Yikes, something is missing and we are missing each other.

The problem is that there are multiple “points” to be caught simultaneously. It’s no wonder your
partner is missing one or more of them…and you probably are too. Based on my experience as a couples' therapist, I see three “truths” in every discussion. If we do not consider all of these, we can't see the full picture.

The Details

These are the cold, hard facts of what actually happened leading up to the discussion. Who was responsible for setting up the babysitting? When was the movie supposed to start? What was said in that text? "I can list all of the things that I do to contribute to this family." I get it. Knowing these facts is a way of trying to orient ourselves to a frustrating situation. But, if we get stuck here, we will miss some other realities that may be even more important.

Perceived Messages

These are the assumption that you and your partner are making in the course of the argument. What do you think your partner believes about you and vice versa? If you are right, then what does that mean about you, your partner, or the relationship?

"Oh, I see, you think I don't do anything. Well, if I am so useless, maybe I should just go away for a while. See how you manage then!"

Woah! I call this one of the “truths” in the discussion, even if the messages you and your partner perceive from one another are inaccurate. It is still the“truth” as far as you see it in the moment.

The Emotional Impact

This is emotional response you and your partner have to the other two “truths.” So often, these things are not explicitly said, but they are felt and they fuel the next moves.

“If I am the problem and there is no way I can get it right, no matter what I do, I feel hopeless. What’s the point of trying? I give up!”

“You don’t even see how hard I am trying to fight to make things better for us! I feel so unimportant, unloved and uncared for.”

Ouch! I bet that if you can relate to this, you are actually feeling something in your body even now as you read this.

It does not matter that your partner never intended to make you feel this way. In this moment, this is truth for you. And, your partner is feeling some impact too. This is the truth that you are missing when your partner says that you are “missing the point.”

The Big Picture

In the heat of the battle, we tend to get so wrapped up in our own frustration and pain that we can’t see beyond it to the true impact that we have on each other. This is biological, y’all! The primary job of every part of your mind and body is to make sure you are okay.

Think about it like this: If you are drowning and someone comes to try to save you, you will automatically want to climb their body to get air with no consideration of the fact that you are pushing them under the water in the process. It’s not deliberate, it's survival.

The Missing Pieces: What We Need

1. Recognize and acknowledge the impact that this interaction is having on you both.

2. Recognize that arguing about the actual physical details of a situation will never lead to
relational repair. We get distracted arguing about whether it was on Tuesday or Wednesday or whether Susie was there or not. These things are probably inconsequential in terms of the relational impact of the conflict.

3. Recognize that we both have thoughts and feelings. They are greatly important to us and for our
connection, but when we are so escalated, we can’t really consider our partner’s experience. We must catch the reactivity that kills us. If we both are striving to repair ruptures in our connection, the reactive cycle (not our partner) is the bad guy. There is some nuance to this.

You have a better shot at accessing each other's heart and mind when you are both able to listen to each other to gain deeper understanding. In this more empathetic approach, you are more likely to find mutual responsiveness that leads to more engaged connection and repair.

For some of you, these tips may be exactly what you need. However, if you and your partner need a little more guidance and support to navigate these points of distress, our team at Refuge Counseling of Arkansas is here for you.

Please reach out to us through our Contact Us page. We will set up a free 15-minute live phone consult with one of our therapists to talk about how we can offer
the catered support that you need.