How many of you would say that your own parenting style perfectly mimics that of your parents? My parents and I have similar family values, but my wife and I approach training our kids differently than what I grew up with.

My wife and I are teaching a parenting class at church and the discussion came up today about how to handle differences in parenting preferences when our style does not line up with our parents.

Our privilege and burden as parents is to raise our children even if others don’t agree with our approach to parenting. Let’s talk about how to have these conversations when our parenting strategies are brought into question.

1. Our parents may have helpful insights and wisdom that we can glean from, or a thought that hadn’t occurred to us.
2. No parent is perfect, regardless of what social media or the opinions of others might lead us to believe.
3. WE are responsible for raising our kids the way we believe is best for them.
4. It is okay for us to ask our parents to talk to us in private if they do have concerns with some

1. Do our parents trust their own raising of us?
2. If we are the primary caregivers, they need to work with us to meet our parenting goals, even if their goals would be different.
3. I can take feedback when it is provided one-on-one in a loving way without condescension.
4. I need to know that my parents trust and respect my parental decisions, even if I am not perfect.

Parent: You know you are not allowed to hit your brother.

Grandparent: What that kid needs is a swift kick in the pants.

Parent: That’s not the approach we choose to use to discipline our kids.

Grandparent: You leave them with me for a week and we will get them all straightened out.

What this communicates to parents: You are not doing a good job. I don’t trust you to raise my grandkids. Also, this attitude is a one-tool-fixes-all approach to parenting. I was spanked as a child as I am sure that many of you were too. However, there are other more effective strategies for behavior modification. I take my role as a parent very seriously. If I do not have the trust of my parents, it hurts.

Parent: You know you are not allowed to hit your brother.

Grandparent: (Shh! Just sit back and be proud of the adult you raised taking responsibility for their family.)

Parent: What kind of behavior was that?

Child: Mean behavior.

Parent: You are right. You are going to have to sit in time-out right now.

Child: But they are playing right now, and I want to play too.

Parent: I know, sweetie. However, there are consequences when we treat other people in a mean way. After your time out, you can go play.

Grandparent: I appreciate you taking such an important role in parenting your kids.

A grandparent sees their son or daughter fly off the handle and really blow the punishment out of proportion.

If the child’s safety is threatened, the grandparent should step in to ensure that the child is safe.

If the child is safe, but the punishment just seemed a little concerning or excessive, then the conversation could go like this.

This conversation would best be done in private.

Grandparent: That got pretty intense. Are you okay?

Parent: Yeah, I am just so sick of the same thing over and over. Those kids won’t listen.

Grandparent: Yeah, I know how frustrating that is. Would you like to talk about it?

Note: Talk it out with a lot of listening on the part of the grandparent in this scenario. Grandparents know how frustrating and inconvenient raising kids can be.

Grandparent: I am concerned about how that interaction may have impacted your son/daughter. They look pretty upset. Do you want to go talk to them about what happened?

Parent: Thank you for listening. I need to go apologize to my kid.

Note: If a condescending attitude comes in from the grandparent’s place, this conversation will not go as well.

This is a best-case scenario.

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