Even among the most loving and secure relationships,sometimes we hurt our partners. I promise that I have hurt my wife plenty of times in our relationship, and she has hurt me. It is never intentional (usually), but it happens.
I always thought it would be cute and endearing to have little pet names for each other. Well, I went with “Sweetums.” I did not consider for even a moment that Sweetums is the name of a character from Jim Henson’s The Muppet Show. He is a big, hairy monster with large, pointy teeth. I was truly in shock when I realized that my wife did not appreciate the pet name I had so carefully crafted. The tips I am offering here are helpful for the minor and major ruptures in relationships.
You have two options here. You can ignore the rupture and hope it goes away, or you
can repair it. Ignoring seems like aneasier option in the moment, but gradually leads to disconnection in the relationship in the long run.
So how do I repair it?
First, ask yourself some important questions:
1. Am I able to recognize that my actions had a direct impact on my partner?
2. Am I able to recognize that the interactionbetween us had an impact on me too?
3. Am I ready to humbly acknowledge the painof my partner and make amends?
Second, check in with your partner:
1. Humbly ask your partner about their experience. Let them know that the relationship is too important for you to leave it unsettled. You need to understand the emotional impact felt by your partner.
“I felt belittled.” “I felt hurt.” “I felt unconsidered.”
2. Listen for understanding, not just waiting for them to shut up so you can say your peace. There will likely be time to share your experience after your partner feels heard and understood by you.
Verify what they are saying to make sure you clearly understand.
“What I am hearing you say is, when I ______________, you felt _______________. Is that right?” (Be specific.)
Owning Your Actions
This is a critical piece of the repair work!What we already know is that you care about your partner. When the rupture happens, it probably was not your intention. But, starting the conversation with “I didn’t mean to…,” is not going to land the way you want it to. To your partner, it will feel like a
responsibility dodge. If you see strong emotion from your partner, you need to acknowledged and validate it. This is what I mean.
2. “I am sorry that I caused you to feel __________.”
I appreciated her willingness to share her hurt with me, because I was not aware. Once I knew, I was able to genuinely tell her that I was sorry I hurt her feelings.
I told her that I appreciated her sharing her sadness with me. This was helpful, because I did not catch it on my own. I could not promise that I would never say hurtful things again. I could promise to acknowledge and take responsibility for the negative impact that my actions have on her once I become aware.
The Caveat
A sincere apology is a good starting point, but it does notmean that everything is resolved. Even if your partner forgives you, the pain may linger for a while as you and your partner heal from the rupture. This is the process of re-establishing trust. Your partner likely does not need another apology. Instead, they likely need patience, time to see your workable plan implemented, and your support in the healing. I encourage you to have a conversation with your partner about what support
looks like.
For some of our readers, this is super helpful,and we are thrilled to offer support through our articles. However, if you and your partner need more focused support to navigate the specifics of your relational distress, please contact our team. Our therapists have specialized training in helping couples connect and engage with each other in a way that leads to a lifetime of love. You can request your 15-minute free consultation with one of our therapists today.