In our culture, punishment and discipline are often used interchangeably. However, the purposes of punishment and discipline are very different. Check out the chart below. In short, punishment is discouraging, painful, and leaves a person feeling bad. Discipline opens a path to grow and move
forward, leading to encouragement.
When my kids do things that I need them to stop doing, I can handle the situation more approprietly if I check in with myself before moving forward with any action. If I am feeling
disrespected, angry, scared, or vengeful, chances are my reaction will not be
regulated or achieve my desired outcomes. When I am upset, I can tell that I am not in a good
head or heart space because my ears get hot and a surge of tense energy
courses through my veins. Can you relate?
When I respond to my kids in a reactive way, I model poor emotional regulation and
reactivity. Even if I feel better because I was able to release my own negative energy, what is the cost? My kids don’t feel loved or understood. They don’t respect me any more than they did before the emotional eruption. While they might fear me and the behavior might stop in the moment, I
just taught them that I am not a safe person for them to be with if they make
mistakes. So, wisely they get better at covering up their mistakes to avoid consequences,
and they are way less likely to come to me for support when they have a
problem. I am not suggesting that you let the situation go, but that you get strategic in your approach. So what can you do about it? Give this a try.
4-Step Alternative Approach
1. If you are feeling angry, let your child know. Then, take some time to regulate your emotions.
Parent: “I am not able to calmly deal with this issue right now. I need to take a few minutes to breathe and get myself calm before I address it.”
2. Once you determine that both you and your child are better regulated, you can talk
with your child to find out what deeper emotion or motivation brought about the
negative actions.
Parent: That was a hard thing we just experienced. It seems like you were pretty upset. What are you feeling now?
Child: I just got so (angry, mad, sad, frustrated, etc.)
Parent: That is a tough place to be. I am here with you now. Do you remember what happened before _____________?
Child: Yeah, my sister would not let me play with her.
Parent: It sounds like that kind of hurt your feelings.
Child: Yeah, I don’t think that she loves me anymore.
Parent: Oh, that is hard to deal with. Is that the reason that you broke her toy?
Child: Yeah.
3. Once you’ve determined the deeper emotion behind the action, you can discuss the
issue with more context. You can help your child figure out a different
way to handle those feelings.
Parent: I really can understand how you felt left out and sad. Also, I cannot allow you to break your sister’s toys, because toys are expensive and breaking something that belongs to someone else is also unkind. Can we talk about other ways to address this moving forward?
4. Once your child feels understood and comforted, you can talk about consequences from a teaching mindset.
Parent: Let’s talk about the best way to make things right with your sister.
Just a Note: The consequence discussion may involve helping your child find some language for apologizing for their actions as well as sharing hurt feelings with the offended person. Also, a logical consequence may be offering to pay to replace the broken toy. The logical consequence must be fair and work towards fixing the offense. This works best when done collaboratively between parent and child because it teaches empathy and responsibility for actions.
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