Think about the aftermath of the last fight you had with your partner. Remember the queasiness in your stomach or the tightness in your chest? You wanted that feeling to end, but how?
You try to bring it up again, but you get in another fight. Or you try to ignore it, sweeping the feelings under the rug until the small pile becomes a mountain of resentment. You feel helpless, so you disconnect from your partner in order to protect what is left of your relationship.
This is not a comfortable or easy experience for you or your partner, but it is normal. There are many helpful strategies for navigating these difficulties, but we need some situational awareness.
Consider this! When you are driving in town, you encounter traffic lights. They are intended to keep everyone safe on the road. Our brains are designed with metaphorical traffic lights as well. When your body senses risk, it gives us signals to keep us safe.
Red Lights
I am not able to successfully communicate with my partner right now. My experiences tell me that one or both of us will get hurt if we try.
I feel defensive, closed off, and disconnected. I feel like fighting, getting away, or shutting down. The level of stress in my body and in the room is palpable.
Yellow Lights
I am not closed off, but I am guarded and wary. I can proceed, but only with extreme caution. The room feels calmer for now, but I am ready to slam on the brakes if I sense any risk (blame, attack, misunderstanding, etc.)
I long to reconnect and repair, but my experiences have taught my that this might go badly. I feel uncertain. I am tense, but I can breathe. Depending on how things go, I could go red or green.
Green Lights
I recognize my own pain, and I am open to listening and understanding my partners pain so I can access their heart, respond to their pain with support, and engage in reconnection. In this process, I believe it is possible for my partner to understand and respond to my pain as well.
I am feeling more relaxed and soft. I desire to reconnect with the one I love and I sense that this is what my partner also wants.
How do I know where we are?
1. Recognize that all 3 lights are a normal part of being human and being in close relationships.
2. Check in with your self. Where are my thoughts? Am I feeling closed, open, or somewhere in between? What is your light?
3. Check in with your partner. The conflict was stressful for you both so it stands to reason that your partner is feeling something too. Get curious about what light they are experiencing. Just because you are green does not mean that your partner is. If they are not, honor that and ask how you can support them.
4. Continue to assess lights throughout the conversation. Lights can change. It is important to keep the communication open and honor this through the process. If yellow lights come up, honor it and communicate needs for support.
If you can both stay green, relational repair becomes much more accessible.
If you and your partner are struggling to repair after ruptures in your relationship, our team is here for you. The team at Refuge Counseling of Arkansas is made up of highly trained therapists that are equipped and ready to walk the path to healing and reconciliation with you so you can enjoy a lifetime of love. We have teams in Arkadelphia, AR and Hot Springs, AR. We are also equipped to offer online support to anyone in the state of Arkansas. Contact us today to schedule your free 15-minute consult.