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Check Your Intimacy Health

--Adam Maisen, LPC-S/TA

· Creating Safety,Communication,Intimacy

Hey everyone! I want to shift focus a little this week and give you all a free resource. 

Curiosity plays an important role in feeling attached to your partner. When you are continuously curious about each other and willing to dig into the deep conversations, connection tends to grow.

This is an activity to do with your partner and is designed to spur on some really deep and fun conversation. If the discussion goes a different direction, that is okay. This is just designed to get conversation going.

Let’s start with some easy ones:

1. Talk about your favorite place you have traveled together.

What was the most fun thing about the trip?

What is your favorite memory from the trip?

2. Do you remember your first date?

3. At what point did you realize that you were falling in love with your partner?

4. What does your partner do that most speaks love to you? What do you do that most speaks love to them?

5. The perfect date would include: (Select all that apply)

  1. Snuggling up on the couch with a movie
  2. Getting take-out
  3. Playing board games/cards
  4. Going somewhere you both enjoy (restaurant, miniature golf, etc.)
  5. Taking a walk
  6. Uninterrupted conversation
  7. Sex
  8. Other:_________________________

6. What goals do you have as a couple in the new year? What about in 5 years?

As you and your partner are reminiscing and dreaming about these things, do a self-check on how you feel. Are you having fun?

Let’s go a little deeper:

Really listen and attune with your partner here. Sometimes these questions can hit some nerves. However, the point here is to begin sharing some vulnerability. This can be easier said than done, but as you and your partner feel more and more comfortable/safe with vulnerability, your intimacy will deepen. Make sure to take time for both of you to answer. It is important to listen for clarity as your partner shares. Validate them because talking about this stuff may take a little courage.​

1. When you were growing up, whom did you feel most attached to? What did you most appreciate about them? Be specific.

2. When you were growing up, whom did you most seek out for comfort? In what ways did they help to meet your emotional needs?

3. Growing up, how did your family deal with conflict? What did that mean for you?

4. How do you and your partner tend to resolve conflict? Do things get swept under the rug?

5. What do you need from others so that you feel safe to trust them?

6. What do you most need from your partner to feel safe, secure, and supported in the relationship?

Note: Remember to dig in a little for clarification if your partner is vague in their answers. Be patient with one another in this activity and keep the environment feeling safe for vulnerability.

Wrapping up:

1. What did you learn about your partner?

 

2. What did you learn about yourself?

 

3. What will you do with this information?

Sometimes these questions can be hard to answer and that makes a lot of sense, especially if you have experienced circumstances in your life that have made it hard to have secure, safe attachments.

 

We all have a unique experience. However, when we have a secure partner relationship, we can feel safe to open up about who we are and how we got here.

 

If you do not feel secure in your relationship, and you long for that, please know there is hope! My years as a therapist have taught me that any two people that want to be together and are willing to put in the hard work can enjoy a securely attached relationship. Sometimes reaching out to a professional relationship counselor can be a really helpful first step.

For more information on improving intimacy in your relationship, check out the

Creating Safety in Relationship Series.

As always, remember to subscribe for other great resources. Your comments are encouraged below. Remember to follow Refuge Counseling of Arkansas on Facebook here.

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